FULLERTON, CALIF. — Local newlyweds Gary and Linda Murray, both 26, are anxiously awaiting a dildo to come out of their Lexmark Pro 30 3-D Printer. “I entered the parameters in a couple of days ago, and made sure we had enough ABS — that’s acrylonitrile butadiene styrene,” said Gary, whose day job is as a Network Systems Analyst for Fullerton Business College. “I let Linda suggest the color of the ABS, which is a hard plastic also used in car bumpers and football helmets. She picked periwinkle. Now we’re just watching a ‘Star Trek: The Next Generation’ marathon and waiting for it to finish.” Linda added, crossing and uncrossing her legs several times and chain-smoking Pall Malls: “I’m so glad we waited until our honeymoon, which ended last week, to first consummate the marriage. It fulfilled, uh, all my, uh, hopes and dreams … yeah, uh — HEY, IS THAT PRINTER DONE YET?!”
STAPLETON, ILL. — Local married woman Maxine Truax, 41, says that her husband’s “work wife” isn’t properly supporting his career goals. “I have nothing against Brenda, but why would Lamar ever want to leave the mail room if she’s bringing him a delicious lunch and giving him ‘desert’ in the broom closet at least twice a week?” Mrs. Truax said, watching a repeat of “The Shahs of Beverly Hills” at 2 in the afternoon. “She’s probably bonking him right now, doing all those nasty things he used to ask me for before I’d set him straight … and he should have to scrounge at the vending machine for lunch, like everyone else — the baby!” Mrs. Truax fixed a cushion that had become trapped in the cheeks of her butt as she lay prone, staring at the screen and polishing off a second box of Nutter Butters. “It’s in all of our best interests if Lamar uses his spare time to go online and finally finish his degree at University of Phoenix. Then he can move up to management instead of merely looking to get his human needs for food and sex satisfied. What a waste of a life.”
BURLINGTON, VT. — Local couple Ed and Tina Johansson, both 39, are expecting their first child but now are wondering where they will get parenting advice, considering the recent news that Spock had died. “While we will have his books with us forever, times change, and we were really eager to stay current with a living Spock,” Ed said, trying unsuccessfully to split his middle and ring fingers to form a “V.” “This couldn’t have come at a worse time,” added Tina. “We want the best for our child, and Spock was the best child psychologist in Star Fleet.” Ed tried unsuccessfully to pinch Tina’s shoulder so that she would fall asleep. “Ow!” she exclaimed, hitting Ed’s hand away. “I guess we can count on Shatner to come up with a solution, but he doesn’t seem like the kind of guy you’d want guiding your kid.” As of press time, several Klingons were seen leaving the Johansson house as their unborn child was being beamed to Sick Bay.
ELMIRA, NY — Gary Staples, 46, who has never spent more than a few days outside his hometown, likes to post pictures of his hometown on Facebook. “It’s the local zoo, but at a different angle,” he explained to this reporter, who works at his hometown newspaper but also freelances for News Cherry. “And here’s a picture of a slice of pizza from my favorite pizza place, Hometown Pizza, out on Main. It used to be called Home Slice Pizza in the 1990s,” he added. “It’s the best pizza in the world.” Then he pointed to a yellow-painted two-story house: “That’s where Chester A. Arthur slept one night before his presidency. Studs Terkel also wrote a chapter of his book ‘Working’ here. This town truly is special.” As of press time, Staples was recalling how in 1984 he saw Quiet Riot at the Hometown Theatre and they really “rocked out.”
SYRACUSE, NY — Artie Granger, 42, was a bit perplexed just now, after reading a post on Facebook. “It’s Jimmy Langelli, I went to high school with him, but then lost touch when I went to college and, like practically everyone else in my generation, moved far away,” Granger said. “Jimmy recently friended me and, in just the past week alone, he checked in twice to the restaurant I kind of remember from the 1980s. ‘Goin’ to Suave Bistro,’ he wrote. ‘Yum!'” Granger kind of recalled that the restaurant had an eclectic menu and a salad bar, but couldn’t remember the main focus of the restaurant. “I think it was French, but you could also get pizza and subs there, maybe a hamburger,” he recalled, adding that he sometimes thinks of the old hometown when commuting to his job as CEO of a medium-sized data consulting firm and passes several chain stores, or when he passes through similar-looking towns when traveling on business. “Good for Jimmy that he has found a niche there,” Granger said. “He seems happy.” As of press time, Jimmy was checking in at the mall that used to have an arcade, roller rink or something.
MAHWAH, NJ — Christie and Arn Reich, both 43 and parents to Todd, 17, and Lore, 14 and severely disabled, said they couldn’t picture their lives without children, especially Lore (who only knows one word, “Cranberry,” which he blurts out every 15 seconds). “Arn and I say it all the time, when we have a chance to actually be in public, how less fulfilling our lives would be without Todd and our little ‘Cranberry,’ ” Christie said, crossing her legs, which were adorned with old Jets sweatpants and some stains, at her particle-board-constructed kitchen table. “I mean, this was supposed to be a starter house, but instead it became a home,” she added, looking up at peeling yellowed wallpaper and exhaling the fumes from a Pall Mall. “Cranberry!” was heard being yelled from the living room, where Lore was hunched over, curled on his favorite lawn chair. Arn, unstartled by the exclamation, added: “We were really on the wrong track — fresh out of grad school, high-paying jobs in the City, and we had Todd in a pricy gifted-and-talented program, and then we were set straight thanks to the birth of little Cranberry.” “Cranberry!” could be heard blurted out again. “That’s right,” Christie noted, butting her cigarette in a jelly glass and lighting another. “Todd got to experience our fine public school system, I got to be a stay-at-home mom and Arn traded in his high-powered corporate gig so that he could be closer to home.” “Yes, I was fortunate to find a job at a local non-profit that makes wire hangers for the elderly. It is really fulfilling work, and I get to be able to be close to home and with Cranberry more,” Arn added, blinking in morse code “SOS.” “Cranberry!”
SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY — New college freshman Skip Bradshaw, who has taken a 7-hour-a-week job at the local Burger King to help “mom and dad pay for textbooks and stuff,” wonders why the rest of the crew at the fast food restaurant are so “down in the dumps.” “I don’t get it,” the sociology/psychology double-major said. “Like Jose, he’s just shuffling his feet by the fryers, waiting for the beep, totally going through the motions.” Then he pointed to the drive-thru window, “And Yolanda, she just has no desire to make sure the order’s right. She never says thank you to customers. Her ‘baby daddy,’ as she called him, and three kids came through the drive-thru the other day in a sputtering old Toyota and she almost jumped out of the window in anger, yelling something about having no money for his ‘crackhead brother,'” Bradshaw added, noting how his fraternity solves issues in a better way, with “a weighted, inclusive review board.” “I’m starting to think that the plight of fast-food worker can be solved by positive thinking, and visualizing better outcomes.” As of press time, broiler operator Omar was seen grinning while he smoked a Marlboro by the back dumpster, as all four tires on Bradshaw’s Lexus were now flat.